Thirty ; Just some thoughts

(Credits to deviantART ; apricotsrock)

Do not read it if you don't wish to strain your eyes. I won't encourage you to read.

It is time to reflect. It is time to type out my thoughts. I am considering if I should publish this entry. :/

Every night before I go to bed, now and then, I've been pondering over many many things. In different situations, different circumstances and different happenings. Studies. Mathematics. Badminton. Friendship. Myself. Others.

Over at my grandmother's house today, did another round of reflection. Phoof, that's how my mind drift off when I'm so stiff bored.

When I am playing with you ...

I have no confidence in winning you. Before the match even begins, I've lost half of the match, lost half of the battle. Despite having no confidence to win you, I still have the thought of winning you. Well, who doesn't want to win ? I'm no exceptional. As I am motivated and I am urge to, the mindset of thinking must win, it makes me play better. At least I won't lose too heavily. Even if it is, at least I am glad that I gave in my best. If it is the other way round, like I said, I've lost half of the battle before even the start of it. Everything feel so lousy and scoring an egg is possible too. I dislike this. It feels really bad. Miserable.

When I am playing with you ...

I won't say I have 100% confidence to win you. I won't say I will definitely win you. I won't say I definitely will not lose to you. I will not say that I won't score below 15 or even 10. Everything is possible, why not ? I dislike it when I see you being discourage playing with me. I dislike seeing you giving up just before the start of the match. (Although I am aware that I, myself is often in that state.) I just want to tell you that you ought to believe in yourself. I trust that you are capable of playing well. Reason being, I reckon that you are a lot stronger than me. Really.

When I am playing with you ...

Without fail, I will feel unworthy, inferior and demoralise. Although I am conscious that playing with you will make me stronger and improve myself. Very much, I would like to improve myself. Yet, I always can't bring myself to stroke with you. One reason, I lack of the position and ... Second reason, before anything begins, I lost the battle utterly. Effort is not there, everything. The mindset is not in the right status in the first place. I don't know how you seriously feel when you play/stroke with me. I mean really deep down, how do you feel ? There is no point saying good words to deceive me, attempting to make me happy.

Besides individuals play, I believe that I've paired with you several times for doubles. Again, I wonder how you feel then ? Heartfelt feelings, the truth. Sometimes I wonder, aren't you in the least of frustration ?Actually, I'd really like to apologise for all the times the lack of confidence in playing. In individuals play, if a player believes that one will lose before even the start of the game or giving up half way through the match, it is said to be disrespectful to one's opponent. If one respects one's opponent, one will not succumb to any events, one will play one's best throughout the match till the very last point. With that, I am sorry.

With respect to Friday's, I wonder how you manage to put on that smile and laughter on your face when I actually had given up.

Just some random thoughts. Thinking pondering wondering

When is the time that I give in my best ? When is the time I did not give in my best ? The difference between giving in to the fullest and not, it feels a world of difference. Really. I sense it.